Friday, 30 August 2013

Tears of a Clown

Anxious, low self esteem, racing thoughts, constantly worrying,  recurring thoughts, irritable and losing my temper easily?

Yes Dear Reader this is me and all these are symptoms of Stress, my heart palpitating as yet another requirement to hit an unreasonable target by an inexperienced manager hits my desk. I am desperately unhappy, I feel I am incapable, undervalued...under threat!

My biggest fear is my underlying depression bubbling to the surface, I can feel it just behind my eyes and forehead, an irrepressible pressure like a lead weight pulling at my forehead. I am trying to fight it back and usually try to do it with humour or distracting conversation but cannot deal with it as the pressure of work envelopes me.

Break out
I get to the track and as the usual crowd prepare to do speed training I prefer to plod out 20 laps at a very steady pace. Mike, a trusted and valued friend, joins me on his warm up laps and I mention that I am feeling down and he mentions that I am joking and sounding upbeat! I replied without thinking:

"Tears of a Clown, Tears of a Clown Mike."

I run the track, I enjoy the tranquility, the noise of runners passing me and my chance to have time with my own thoughts.

I leave the track, laughing and joking but dark thoughts are still there as this clown leaves for the night

2 comments:

  1. Sorry to read this my friend. Hang in there. Go for some good trail fun. It will get better.

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  2. Hugs Jezza, those black moods are horrible! Mine only lasted a couple of days, thankfully, not sure I could cope with longer bouts of it, and having to work! stay strong hun xx

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